Trying to make it right..

I really miss both my sister and brother.. But the thing is.. They no longer the same people whom I used to know.. I want the old them back.. I really miss them alot..

Things had went from bad to worst and to even worser.. Its getting scarier as days and weeks passes by.. Seriously.. Im not doing well.. I wanted to fight but Im afraid.. Cause I no longer could do things which I was so good at.. Instead.. I kept doing the wrong things.. Which I hated myself for it..

Sisqa.. Do you know how hurting I am hearing that people kept saying to me that you have changed alot.. From the most fragile girl who hides her tears to another new different person now.. I really do not know if its a good thing or a bad thing.. All I could blame was myself.. You would not be the new person if it was not for me.. Im to blamed for what have ever happened to you..

Mirul.. I blamed myself again.. I should have listened to Yus before.. When he profusely begged me and threaten me to leave you.. Stay away from you.. Instead.. I choose the otherwise.. I should not have believed in you.. I should not have depended on you.. I really thought you were truly a brother whom could be there for me when I need it.. But I was wrong.. No.. Its not your fault.. Its mine.. Because it was just my wishful thinking..

I used to shut myself.. Close the door to my heart as tight as possible.. Never letting anybody in.. I never trusted anyone back then.. Because I never knew what it meant by sharing.. Until one fine day.. By the chance of fate.. Allah sent me a person.. A person who looks scary but has a really big heart.. He was the first person who I shared my problem with.. He was also the only person I have ever trusted.. He was my late big bro.. God loves him more..

Things happened.. I was backstabed.. My personal problems was shared among the others like hotcakes.. It was like the greatest gossip of the year.. My pride was hurt.. I thought when I lost big bro.. I could share it with his best buddy friend Ijal.. Instead.. It was a tool he used to set me up..

Up till then.. I never trusted anybody.. No matter how hard it is.. I kept everything to myself.. Until I met Ila.. We talked and after several months knowing her.. We grew even closer.. Then.. That is when we started to trust one another.. That is when slowly.. I shared things with her.. She was the second person I ever trusted.. But when she starts to get busy with her life.. God sent me another person..

Atiqah was her name.. From hate to mutual friends to a God-Sister.. We could share every single thing.. Till something happen..

The same goes to Mirul.. A very similar story to Sisqa..

But.. We had a huge misunderstanding which was so hard to even solve it..

Im letting every single thing go.. Cause I could no longer hold on to it.. Its hard for me to let go of things.. Its been more than 6 years for me to keep remembering on big broo.. And I still feel like I lost him yesterday.. Now.. Losing both of them.. I still cannot move on with it.. Its hard for me.. And I am not sure how..

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The Pain..

I cried like I never cried before.. I thought going through the same thing again would not have hit me hard.. Instead.. It hit me hard more than what I initially thought.. Probably worst of the worst kind..

I never wanted to gave up on you my lil bro.. Never had I thought it would end this way.. I wanted to fight it all the way.. But you choose not too.. You find me a pain.. You find me that I tire you down.. That made me real sad.. I am disappointed with myself.. How on earth could I do that to someone whom I care and love?? Someone whom I value more than my own life..

I tried to convince myself that you would not leave me.. But you choose too.. What more can I say or do?? You used to beg me to stay and hold on to yaaa.. But now you letting it go just like that.. Reason is that you are way too tired of me.. How unfair and harsh could you be??

Since things has come to this way.. There nothing more that I could do.. All I can say.. I gave up on everything.. Friendship.. Trust.. Love.. Kindness.. Everything.. You made me realise changing for the better would not lead me to happiness.. Instead it brought me greater pain and how painful life is.. Thanks for opening my eyes..

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Sad isn't it?

Hey! Sorry for not updating..

NS life been tiring for me.. But it was fun though.. I am able to find out my limit.. I did not know that I was able to do things which I never knew I could accomplish.. It was fun!! Exciting at times.. But I do not kind of like some of my platoon members.. Damn.. But hey.. Im left wif 6 weeks more!! Then I am off to my vocation!! Woots!!

Book out at 4.30pm on friday due to our company excellent performance.. Wanted to call Sisqa and Mirul but I can't as my phone line had been cut off.. Haizzz..

Reached home.. I bathed for like an hour.. Hahas.. I swear I love hot bath man!! Love it siaa.. After that called Sisqa to ask her if she is working of she had any plans.. But she worked in the night shift till closing.. Sisqa told me to call Mirul.. She told me to hang out with him at town after that we could catch the last movie and went home together by first train in the morning.. And yeahh.. We did that.. What more.. I surprised Sisqa with eclairs and she was really happy!! Hahas.. That made me happy..

After all that we went home.. Mirul and me we went off to catch a breakfast at Mcdonalds.. Somehow.. I could sense that his girlfriend is not kind of happy me meeting him.. Sad right??

As usual.. We hung around a lil bit more.. I am not sure why lil bro teared up when he said he misses me and love me.. But somehow.. I wanted to say something but I was caught up with my feelings myself..

Saturday was kind of sucks.. I was not able to sleep much and spent the entire day at home.. Sucks right.. Haizzz.. Many who promises me that wants to hang out with me on Saturday cancelled all the plans.. That was alright when I thought of meeting lil bro.. He was kind of not willing though.. Then he could even tell me to go hang out with my camp mates?? What was that suppose to mean siaa.. Does he not get it that I wanted to spend my time with him?? That I would rather be with my love ones rather than my camp mates.. But since he wishes me to be with my camp mates.. Might as well I just do it right?? That is the best way prolly.. Haizzz..

What a sad sad day for me.. What a boring Saturday!!

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Going NS soon!

Hey!! Spent my last few days of freedom before going NS with my little brother.. Appreciate what he had done for me.. Thanks alot broo..

By rights.. Ilaa, Sisqa and Mirul were supposed to sleep-over at my crib but things does not turn out as expected..

Sisqa was having problemswith her daily life while Ilaa is having some relationship problems.. Both seems not doing soo well.. I worried for them.. Once I started my NS journey.. I wont have much free time as I have now.. That is what Im worried for them.. I really hoped things would be better for them..

Many things run through my minds.. I got this thinking that many would be real happy without me in their life.. Ilaa would not gone through what she is going through now if she had not met me.. Sisqa would not feel attached to the workplace she working at if I had not talk her about working at there.. She would not feel stressed up.. I really feel blamed by what happened to their life..

I really hoped NS life would be better for me.. So I would not be disturbing their life anymore.. It really pain me seeing them being this way..

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Tears keep rolling..

Big broo.. Ive been crying from 1am till now.. I just got no one to talk to.. Can you just come back or maybe write some comments here??

You know big bro.. I was really really very very excited when that boy actually told me he wants to hang out with me.. I woke up extra early just to clean the house.. You know how much I hate house chores but I did it.. Knowing that boy is coming.. Mum asked me to accompany her to buy some things.. But I told her with a wide smile.. No.. Coz I be going out and be back at night.. She was kind of sad even though she did not say anything.. Then when she got back home at night.. She scolded me.. She said I was just plain lazy to follow her and help her carry the stuffs.. She thought that I just wanted to stay at home the whole day and rot to death.. Mum was furious mad.. We argued..

Then.. Akii called me to ask me if I wanted to slack at town.. I said no.. Then.. He called me again if I wanted to go to JB.. I said no again.. Cause I wanted to spend the time with that boy..

Time and time again.. The boy never fails to dampen my spirit.. He never fails to hurt me.. Never fails to disappoint me.. How sweet of him.. Big broo.. I really not sure how long more could I stand his attitude and such..

Big bro.. Do you think he would call me up and talk to me?? I know he would not.. Cause he do not dare to do it.. I am afraid of losing him.. But I am even afraid of him hurting me.. What more I am afraid is me going up to him and punch him real hard.. Big broo.. Tell me what I am suppose to do??

I love my lil bro so much.. Just the way I love you big broo.. Is there a way for us to settle things amicably?? Is there a way out?? Guide me big broo.. Tell me.. Do it like how you used to do..

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Miss yaa big broo..

The anger I had towards my lil bro.. I guessed.. It has subsidised.. And I really felt damn sad right now.. I want my big bro now!! More than ever.. Please.. I beg of you.. Let me have him back..

I know I have lil bro and sis.. But.. It does not fill up the empty space in me.. I kept missing you big bro.. The past few weeks I keep seeing you in my dreams.. I feel soo lonely right now.. How I wish you right beside me.. I wanna share with you the pains Im having right now.. I wanna complaint to you about soo many things.. I want to hear your voice and advice you would give me.. I need all that big bro.. Coz lil bro not gonna gave me those..

Big broo.. I really felt like sleeping at this playground right here.. The place where we first get to know each other.. The day I had a brother.. Someone who really cared about me..

Even having a little brother.. He is not the same as you.. He do not fucking care about me as much as you do.. He keeps playing with my heart and brain.. I kept crying because of him.. Its sucks you know big broo.. Could you just come down from wherever you are and knock some sense to him?? Please.. I hate my little brother.. Do it please??

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Slept whole day!

Was suppose to chill with my lil bro today but noo.. He had plans.. Hate it whenever he suggested something and never actually tried to do it.. Fuck laaa.. This aint the first time.. Spoilt my mood throughout the day.. Damnnn..

I had a strangest dream today.. Errmm.. Somehow happy and sad as well.. Dreamt of big bro!! But then again.. I wanted to speak to him but no matter how hard I tried to speak out.. No voice could came out.. I was petrified.. I cried.. Then.. I woke up.. I cried in my sleep.. I could feel my wet cheeks and eyes.. Strange right.. Weird..

Mum went out the whole day today.. Nobody was at home.. I was alone.. Damnn!! Hmmm.. I was like expecting a message from lil broo.. Hoping that he would beep me saying he was under my block.. Wants to spend time together.. But noo..

Really I am tired of him laaa.. Fuck you lil bro.. Fuck you!! How bout you go fuck yourself with a broom or something.. Empty promises.. Ass!!

Dammit.. I wanna force myself to sleep again.. I do not wanna think about it anymore.. Fuck everything else today..

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